


I Come To You in Pieces

by indecisivelarry



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: BECAUSE WHO KNOWS IF MY BOY LOKI IS GONNA SURVIVE FUCK, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), also let's pretend English is my first language, this is me stressing before infinity war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 13:07:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13975779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indecisivelarry/pseuds/indecisivelarry
Summary: Loki can't sleep. Thor is there. He always is.





	I Come To You in Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> "I'm here again  
> A thousand miles away from you  
> A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am  
> I tried so hard  
> Thought I could do this on my own  
> I've lost so much along the way
> 
> Then I see your face  
> I know I'm finally yours  
> I find everything I thought I lost before  
> You call my name  
> I come to you in pieces  
> So you can make me whole
> 
> I've come undone  
> But you make sense of who I am  
> Like puzzle pieces in your hand"
> 
> -Pieces by Red-

Time doesn’t really exist in space. It’s black when you go to sleep, it’s black when you wake up. The stars you gaze upon are always unknown. It hurts in ways it shouldn’t actually burn so much.

Loki has been having trouble sleeping since they settled in the spaceship. That would be a week ago? 10 days ago? He can’t tell anymore. 

The nightmares are practically always the same. He’s in Jotunheim, there’s an abominable blizzard surrounding him but his skin doesn’t protect him from the cold. In his dream Thanos is sitting on Laufey’s throne, he’s laughing and Loki knows deep in his bones that he’s going to die. 

He wakes up in a cold sweat. He is certain he doesn’t talk or scream in his sleep because otherwise he would wake up his bedmate. 

Thor decided that they had to share a room and help the Asgardians be as comfortable as they could possibly be. As big as their ship is, there’s not enough room for everyone. His brother said that it would be just like the old times. Loki knows he meant it lightheartedly, but thinking about their younger selves feels like putting salt to an ancient open wound. 

The thing is, Loki’s night routine always goes the same way. He dreams, he wakes up with tears in his eyes, his chin, his throat and wipes them off with shaking hands. He gets out of bed, lets himself look at his brother’s sleeping figure for a moment. He pretends things will be okay someday, maybe even better than that. Loki knows he’s not even close to deserving something like that, but he would never say it out loud. 

Lastly, he walks to the north wing of the ship where he discovered a quiet corridor with a huge window. He sits and looks at the stars until he doesn’t understand anything at all. 

Stars can be great companions, Frigga would say a thousand years ago. It stings, it stings, it still fucking stings.

Tonight, Loki presses his forehead against the cold glass. It’s even darker than usual, no planet near to look at. He’s closing his eyes for a second when he realizes he’s not alone in the room. He quickly fixes his deflated exterior with a more relaxed posture and a small smirk. Still looking at the window he says:

“Isn’t it a bit late for a king to be up?”

Loki sees Thor’s barefoot legs approaching him and sitting crossed legged next to him in the reflection. He’s finishing a long yawn and then smiling at him through the glass.

“Aren’t you the one who’s always up at this time?”

Loki just rises his eyebrows. “My apologies if I woke you up”, he murmurs. 

His brother keeps looking at the stars. He gives a humorless laugh. “Believe me you didn’t. I’m sleeping less and less as the days go by”. Silence. 

“Sounds like you’re hurting”. Loki looks at Thor’s profile. “I mean, the few times I’ve caught you dreaming. And every time I’m about to wake you up, you’re running away from the room.” Nice metaphor, Loki thinks.

Thor clears his throat, it seems like he has been thinking about this for a while.

The dim light produced by the passing stars that creeps from the window illuminates the dark purple bags under his blue eyes. Even like this, he looks breathtaking. It’s the bane of Loki’s existence, he believes. No matter in what state his and Thor’s relationship is he will always be astounded by his beauty. It’s not fucking fair.

“If I disturbed you so much you could’ve just told me and I would have moved to another room, it’s really not that hard.” Venom tastes ever so familiar in Loki’s tongue.

Thor just stares at him for a few seconds before saying, “You don’t bother me at all brother. In fact, you’re probably the only reason I get to sleep at least a few hours every night.” Loki huffs in indifference as he places both his arms over his knees and rest his head there, looking at Thor’s opposite direction.

The silence that reigns in the ship is weird. The only perceptible sound is Loki’s and Thor’s in sync breathing. If they close their eyes they can pretend they are laying below their mother’s favorite apple tree watching the highlands of Asgard, catching their breaths after their weapon practice. When they were young they unofficially made that spot their place. 

Thor is the one that breaks the silence. Of course he is. He speaks with the most earnest tone Loki has ever heard. With his blond hair, still not healed wounds and eye-patch, he still somehow reminds him of Frigga instead of Odin. Ridiculous. 

“I’ve been trying to find the right words to tell you this the past couple days. There’s so much I wanna say, and then again sometimes I feel like I don’t owe you anything at all. You hurt me in the cruelest ways time after time.”

Loki is trying his best to look as indifferent as possible. He knew someday Thor would want to have the deep talk right? He has been expecting it and yet he’s looking at Thor’s reflection in the glass. He cannot bear the real one. 

“But still”, Thor continues, “seems like my mind can’t comprehend that.” He sighs and pauses for a minute.

“I told you back in Sakaar that you haven’t changed, and I’m not a fool to think that what you did for our people can easily change that”.

“Finally a smart sentence” Loki blurts.

Thor has the audacity to fucking giggle. Like he’s not pouring his heart out, like he’s not doing what Loki has always been so terrified of doing. He talks like it’s painless.

“Hush, let me finish. What I’m trying to say is that I’ll never forget the terrible things you have done to me, but I can forgive you now. Call me a fool as many times as you want. But I’m done letting the past burn me. Us. I’m also doing this for myself, now you can actually call me selfish brother“, Thor is looking directly at Loki’s eyes now. 

“I don’t understand”, Loki says slowly. 

“So much of who you are has come from me and vice-versa, so I guess at some point it’s also because of me who you are today and what you have done before. And for that, I am deeply sorry, I-”

“Shut up”, Loki spits as he begins to get up from the floor. Thor is quicker and hold his wrist and pulls him down again. He’s much more closer now. There’s a storm in his eyes. Of all the unsaid words he hasn’t had the chance to utter, Loki sees that and decides he’s not going to let him have that luxury.

“Let me go now Thor or I swear-”

“Please”, Thor begs, what a nice sight, “let me finish what I want to say and then you can leave.”

Loki snatches his wrist from Thor’s hold and places his back to the window. Now that they are face to face Loki will study every single expression in Thor’s face. He will use that information someday.

“Thank you.”, Thor says, “All that I’m trying to say is that I love you. As simple as that. I thought I was very clear about that all our lives. But I guess I wasn’t.”

Loki’s entire face facade evaporates. He has never wanted to punch someone in the face so much before.

“And for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you were celebrated enough at home. I’m sorry I didn’t contradict father enough when he said strength and weapon training were more formidable and admirable than magic. I’m sorry I didn’t defend you enough when our friends picked up on you because they thought knowledge and wit weren’t real strengths. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you discovered your biological roots. I wished I had been a better brother.”

Loki is trying to even his breathing at Thor’s expectant face. He lowers his eyes at the floor once again. The only person who has ever made him want to stab him and hug him at the same time is him. 

“How long have you been practicing this little speech of yours huh?”, Loki finally responds.

“Since I saw you fall from the bifrost all those years ago.”, Thor immediately answers. “I’ve never uttered more sincere words brother”.

And that’s the thing isn’t it? Loki does’t mind if Thor is lying to his face, if he’s doing this out of self righteousness or if he’s mocking him. He doesn’t care because the deepest corners of his heart have wanted these words for so long. He will take them like a starving man.

Thor is still looking at him through his eyelashes. 

“Thank you”, Loki murmurs. He stands up and goes straight to their room. He doesn’t hear footsteps behind him and sighs in relief the minute the door closes behind him.

✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶

Loki is not avoiding Thor. He is not.

He just silently wakes up before him, maybe leaves the table during lunch and dinner time the minute Thor sits down, and perhaps he spends most of his evenings reading alone in the few corners of the ship that are not inhabited. It has nothing to do with Thor of course.

The thing is, maybe he doesn’t trust himself enough to be near him without saying something stupid like “I love you too” or “I will never deserve your kindness”. Stuff like that.

He can’t deny that Thor has been looking a little gloomy the past couple days. Is he expecting a hug? He knows him better than that. 

✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶

It’s only a few days later that Loki finds himself in the middle of a nightmare, only this time he feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest.

He is not part of the dream, he’s just an observer. Thor and Hela are fighting and this time around she not only takes his eye with her spear. Thor falls to the ground in pain and Hela takes advantage and stabs him in the middle of his stomach. Once, twice and before Thor’s yelling can continue any longer, Loki wakes up screaming at the top of his lungs.

He’s shaking with his entire body and breathing like he just came out of water. However, before he makes his not so glamorous exit through the door a big pair of arms bring him back to bed to the chest of his brother.

Loki doesn’t even have the strength to fight. He’s done fighting him. He’s done pretending he doesn’t miss him even when they are meters apart. Loki cries and cries and cries. It's been years since he let himself cry. The boy inside him whispers "you're safe, you're safe, Thor's here". The water keeps coming, and he hopes he drowns in it.

Thor caresses his back in circles and whispers “it’s okay” and “i got you” over and over again.

And if Loki thinks he couldn’t get any lower, well he’s wrong, because at some point he starts mumbling “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”. Thor just holds tighter.

Suddenly he’s in Svartalfheim all over again, knowing death is on his way and his mind has only space for apologies. Because no matter how hard Loki tries to make Thor the villain of his story, he knows he's the stars in his dark sky. He suddenly realizes his biggest lie has been his hatred for him. He needs him, he loves him in all the ways he knows how and now he can breathe again.

✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶✶

Loki wakes up with a quiet snore, Thor’s throat on his cheek and a soft hand pressed against his back. It’s so intimate, so delicate. He doesn’t deserve none of it. How long has he been this touch starved? What seems like ages ago he said satisfaction wasn’t in his nature. Once again, it seems Thor is the exception to his own rules.

How fool has he been. How idiotic to think he could run away from Thor his entire life. Isn’t he the most stubborn person he has ever met? Those late nights wondering how his chest can be so heavy. He’s still a child wanting his brother to forgive him, to love him. Only now re understands, he has always been forgiven. The same way Loki always new in his heart he never truly hated Thor or wanted him dead. What a fool.

For the first time in a long long time Loki closes his eyes and sees a warm future, a simple one. Hell, a happy one.

Without warning Loki starts to smile.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr I'm @protectingstucky


End file.
